Deconstructing the traditional Chinese weight loss massage

In preparation for my wedding, I had an ambitious goal to lose 50 lbs between January and October. Currently, at the end of May, I've only lost 17 lbs and I realize that 50 just isn't going to happen in time for my (and Dom's) big day. Having admitted this, I'd still like to lose at least another 15 by October, which seems to be fairly consistent with the rate that I'm currently losing weight. However, I'm open to almost anything at this point, which might speed up the process, short of surgery or something unhealthy.

So when at my last facial, the beauticians start pitching their traditional Chinese weight loss massage, I listen and decide to give it a shot. It's a three part treatment, and you have to do it for three days in a row. From what I understand in Chinese (weight loss massage is outside my normal scope of Chinese language ability, funny enough) I gather that the massage helps to simulate the area of focus (stomach or thighs are most common), increasing the circulation that helps stimulate the cells to shrink, while also releasing toxins. Sounds like a good thing to try, and it can't hurt, right? WRONG.

The 'massage' part of the experience is nothing short of false advertising. If by massage, you mean 'beating' then yes, I think its the right translation. My 'massage' starts off with an absolute beating of my stomach. Between yelps of pain, I'm told to 'relax' so that my stomach muscles don't tense up. I think you naturally contract your abs when you are about to take a punch to the stomach, in order to protect vital internal organs! Or maybe that's just something silly I picked up in kung fu...

After about 15 minutes of this, she puts on a new oil, which she explains will be a little bit 'la' or spicy. Interesting, I'm getting a spicy massage oil. I think the worst must be over and this is where the 'massage' part comes in. Wrong again, by spicy they meant fire on my stomach. My stomach is burning so badly that I'm just sure its breaking out in a rash and my eyes are tearing up as she creates an even bigger fire by slapping her hands on my stomach.

Just when I think its all I can handle, they wheel over a 5 foot tall machine with lots of weird attachments, and take something that looks a bit like an automated pool vacuum. This actually does massage my stomach, too bad I didn't have a chance to shower off the fire oil, which according to the beautician, shouldn't be burning me still!

After this brief rest from pain, they pull out two wires from the mystery machine, dip them in water and strap them to my feet. I'm really not liking where this is going, so I start a near hysterical questioning of what this does. It will feel good, I'm assured. Somehow I doubt that, so far the 'massage' hasn't felt good and I doubt this is about to start now. To my horror, the beautician stands in a bucket of water, turns on the machine and starts zapping me! I'm not a huge fan of electricity to begin with, I've always been a bit afraid of it, and I'm pretty sure there is nothing 'traditional Chinese' about electrocuting me! It's not like this could have been around in the Tang dynasty! After my shock treatment, they move on to a suction treatment, which is going to leave small bruises, I'm told. Funny this one doesn't hurt that much, but maybe that after being electrocuted everything else pales in comparison.

Finally, an ointment is rubbed on my belly, which is bright purple in case you were wondering, I'm wrapped in saran wrap and told to leave it on for a few hours. In short, my stomach now looks like a purple sausage. I'm sure the 40 minute 'massage' actually lasted 90 minutes, and as I'm ready to make my escape, I ask if there is anything I shouldn't eat or drink right away. I'm promptly told that I shouldn't drink too much water if I want to lose weight, just eat things like cucumber and fruit, and if I'm not hungry at dinner, just not to eat at all. Well no wonder its a weight loss 'massage' if you only eat fruit and cucumber. They offer me some medicine which I can eat with it that will help the weight loss, but I decline. I think I've suffered enough for one day. I had to lay down all afternoon and my stomach hurt so bad, I canceled on Sunday. Dom however, thinks I should have gone, he was mumbling something about doing things right, and following through. I suggest he goes in my place and see if he goes back for round 2 and 3.


Just for the record, I gained 2 lbs back last week. I think I had to comfort eat to make myself feel better! And I realized, I just paid someone to abuse me...